Cosmo (They/Them) It was only hours after my surgery when I saw my chest for the first time. Despite the feeling of deep awe, it felt like coming home. It was as though my chest had always been there all along, behind that mirror, behind the layers of a life lived. I felt free. I felt euphoric...I still do, now almost 7 months post-op.I love my scars. Before my top surgery, I just had my c-section scar that I was so proud of. Now I have two. My c-section scar and my top surgery scar that came two years after giving birth to my first child. Right up until a few month before my top surgery, I had been chestfeeding my child for almost two years. It was the most beautiful and challenging selfless journey of my life. To let go, grieve, and feel joy and excitement at all once, was something I didn't know was possible. But as soon as I was done chestfeeding them, I knew it was time for me to choose myself.My scars are magical portals. Portals to freedom. Portals to life-giving life to itself. Portals to new worlds. Portals to euphoria. Aside from my trans body, I feel most at home when I look into my partner's ocean blue eyes. I feel most at home when I am holding my children. I feel at home in liminal spaces. Standing in the in-between...where ocean waves and sand meet, where the sun melts into a rainbow of colors before darkness takes over and the moon rises...that's were you'll find me.
Rose (they/them) The first time I saw them (or “it”since it’s one long scar) I felt the most immense relief. Relief that I wasn’t able to wrap my head around because it extended beyond that moment. It was relief for kid me, and me in 20/30/40 years. My surgery was so recently that living with it has been a lot of corporeal care. I love when I get to shower and see/feel the water run over it. My favorite part is the length, it wraps around onto my back because of how my chest was before. Seeing it’s length makes me feel really strong. My friends feel at home, New York feels like home, the beach feels like home, the mountains feels like home, the forrest feels like home.
Dash Porter. He/them. How did I feel the first time I saw my scars? Ecstatic!! All my life all I wanted was a flat chest. The very first dream I can recall ever having was me shirtless, flat chest, chilling w the homies. Getting loved on by my partner, bare hands combing down my chest. All I ever wanted. 21 years down the line, I was finally blessed. My experience living w my scars? If it ain’t freezing at home, guarantee you, I’m walking around shirtless. I ain’t finesse my mom’s insurance for no reason. I spent the first 17/18 years of my life in pure opposition of myself. No more. Ima always feel comfortable in my skin. In terms of others, I wasn’t sure how they feel. Well more so, how I’d feel showing my scars off to the public. Leaving room for questioning and ridicule. And at first, it went something like that. But the further along my journey I am, the less and less I care about the public opinion. Especially in terms of how I’m perceived in the world. Everyone has their own views when it comes to me. But I could allow that to stop me from maneuvering how I want and need. Especially after “coming out” to my mother, when I would tell myself “At this point in my life, I’m no longer living for anyone but myself.” So if I could face my mother, I could face the world. Most importantly, my scars are part of me. They literally molded me. Why would I ever hide or deny them. Why would I ever hide or deny myself. My rights. My beauty. My life. What do I love about my scars? I love every single part of my scars. Especially the texture. From the completely smooth healed parts to the rough crevices now engraved in my skin. Whether myself, a partner, shit even my top surgeon (Dr. Lloyd B Gayle) there’s something about it the texture, the touch, the feel, the sensation. I don’t know exactly what it does to me, but it moves my soul.
Ollie they/she The first time I saw my scars, I just felt like me. As a trans dyke medically transitioning, I get misgendered quite a bit as a trans man or someone who is male-aligned which isn’t the case at all. My scars are my reminder to myself n hopefully to others that dykes can get top surgery, dykes can do whatever they want to feel validated n affirmed in their bodies. Dykes can be whoever they wanna be. My favorite part about them is that they are a representation of where I’ve been, and where I’m headed.
Noel He/They The first time I saw my scars I felt a huge sense of relief, like I could finally let out this breath I had been holding for as long as I could remember. I love my scars, and doing scar care is my favorite daily routine. I felt so detached from my body before surgery, and my scars now just feel like freedom to me, because I no longer feel like I have to hide myself and make myself smaller to hide my chest.
Samuel (he/him) when I first saw my scars I felt pressure to feel like I had been given a huge favour, despite going into debt to get top surgery. I felt angry that it had to be a privilege not a given. nowadays, I just feel strong and happy that I get to look like this. my scars don’t feel like something I notice, they’re just like freckles or birthmarks that have always been there. love when other trans men clock me at the beach though 🤩
My name is Chris Gemmell, my pronouns are he/him. The first time I saw my chest, I was mesmerized- it was everything that I could’ve dreamed my body would look like. It was a moment of recognition- “this is my body.” I think being trans can create this inherent disconnect, I always thought of my body and myself as two separate things. I don’t anymore. I’m just me. My favorite part of my chest is this little divot between my pec muscles. To ground myself some days, I’ll run my fingers down it, feel the bone and muscle and flesh that finally feel like my own. Im grateful and I’m happy to exist in my body, and I couldn’t say that before.
Samuel, he/him How did you feel the first time you saw them? - Finally at peace. I remember holding my breath, and looking down at my flat chest for the first time in hospital. I let out a small "oh wow". And everything was quiet. The first time I saw the physical incisions was when I changed the tape a week later in the shower. The incisions were so thin. It felt like they would pop right open. But I was so mesmerised by them! What has been your experience to living with them? - I've had many complications with my incisions opening up, and also a revision surgery on them too. But I loved taking care of them and watching them heal. I'm so proud of them, and love including them in all my art works. What is your favorite part of them? - I love the shape of them, and how they frame my entire chest. They're exactly as I'd hoped they would be.
